“Once you label me, you negate me” Soren Kierkegaard
A few years ago, I was visiting Jerusalem with my wife. We were on a Mediterranean cruise that had a 2-day stopover in Israel. While we were there we signed up to do several guided tours of the city. On one of the days, we planned to visit all the major tourist sites in and around Jerusalem. At the time, I didn’t know that certain parts of the country were under Palestinian control and others under Israeli control. Several hours into our tour, our Jewish tour guide informed us that we were going to be entering Bethlehem, a Palestinian town, and he would not be able to join us. For hours, we had been enjoying his insight and knowledge of each of the places we visited and he was always giving us the “Jewish perspective”. Once we arrived at the massive walls that surround Bethlehem, it felt like we were walking into a large prison. We passed through security and suddenly we were inside Bethlehem and there was a new bus with a new tour guide. Once we all got on the bus, our new tour guide started to introduce himself and tell us a little bit about Bethlehem. During the introductions, someone brought up that our other tour guide was Jewish and had to wait for us outside the walls, then this person asked our tour guide, “so, what are you?” Our tour guide paused and said “what do you mean?”, The person said, “what do you believe?” Our tour guide laughed and smiled, then he said, “I am a human being, who lives in Bethlehem. What are you?” The message was very clear and no one asked him about his beliefs after that. This experience has stuck with me ever since. I really appreciated his response and I’ve tried to have that same attitude in my own life. “What am I? A human being who lives in Kamas. That’s it!” Nothing more, nothing less.
One of my favorite Buddhist concepts is the concept of “emptiness”. It’s a central teaching in Buddhism and yet it’s often misunderstood. Emptiness does not mean nothingness. It essentially means that “labels” or “concepts” are empty because they don’t exist in and of themselves. They are not nouns, they are adjectives! They can be used to describe how we are but never who/what we are. Think about an object like a car, you can have a red car, but the noun is the car and “red” is simply the adjective that describes the car. In this case, “red” is an example of emptiness. You can’t have a noun that is “red car”, you can only have “car”. Humans are the same, we can only be one thing, human! Any label we add to that can be used to describe but never to define.
Consider the way we use labels in our society: I’m a Republican, I’m a Democrat, I’m a Mormon, I’m an Atheist, I’m Smart, I’m Dumb, etc… we use labels as if they were permanent “things” that make us who we are. We inherit genetics from our parents, beliefs and ideas from our family and society, and while these things can form a part of HOW we are, they are not WHAT we are. The problem with our labels is how we use them: as nouns instead of adjectives. When we use labels like “I’m a Mormon / I’m an ex-Mormon / I’m inactive” as nouns, they separate us from everything that is not that label, labels divide and separate. Now consider the label “I’m a Mormon / I’m an ex-Mormon / I’m inactive” as adjectives, it becomes about how we are in life and not what we are. The reality is that no matter how hard I try, I can’t “be” a Mormon, or a Christian, or an anything, because those aren’t “things” to be. We already are something; we’re human. When we learn to view our own labels and perhaps more importantly, the labels we assign to others as adjectives instead of nouns, it will be like talking to someone and realizing that “I am wearing a blue shirt” and “you are wearing a red shirt” but the color of our shirts doesn’t make us who we are, it’s just part of how we are right now at this specific moment in time. Give it a try…Try to start viewing labels (yours and others) as adjectives rather than nouns and see how that changes the way you view yourself and others. How else can labels be detrimental? Share your comments below.
Kierkegaard said: “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” My exit from the LDS church five years ago was far from graceful, and with hindsight I understand it better now than when I lived it. Here are some lessons I learned backwards for those who are living their transition forwards.
Be patient with your LDS loved ones. Transitions take time. You, and most likely your LDS loved ones, are adjusting to a big change. If you’re like most, your disillusionment with the LDS church probably happened gradually over several years, not in the blink of an eye. It’s wise not to expect your LDS loved ones to adjust to your new mindset any quicker than you developed it.
Don’t expect them to understand you. Yes, open-mindedness is increasingly being recognized as a virtue, so you might think it’s reasonable to expect that from LDS family and friends. But that probably isn’t realistic because LDS leaders actively discourage members from questioning their faith. This is not a peculiarly LDS phenomenon. For you returned missionaries, ask yourselves how many devoutly religious non-LDS people you met on your mission who were genuinely willing to consider that their religious paradigm was wrong? I bet you can count them on one hand (or less). Of all people, those of us who were once devout Mormons should understand why our devout LDS friends and family can’t and won’t understand us. But fortunately, people don’t have to share the same paradigm to get along. So if you can be kind to each other without understanding each other, consider that a victory.
Don’t take the script personally. Starting with Joseph Smith and ever since, LDS leaders have indoctrinated their members with a host of negative stereotypes and stigmas about those who leave their church. By now those stereotypes and stigmas have been reduced to a predictable script to explain away anyone’s “apostasy”: “[Fill in the blank with apostate’s name] is just lazy, easily offended, prideful, deceived, and/or sinful.” One of the most unpleasant aspects of leaving the LDS church is having someone read that script with your name written in the blank. Although your instinctive reflex will be to take such remarks personally, if you stop and think about it, there’s absolutely nothing personal about it. Zero. Nada. That generic, one-size-fits-all-apostates script has been the same no matter who, when, where, how, or why someone left the church. It will require real patience, but if you can endure the predictable script reading without taking it personally and responding angrily, you’ll be glad you did. In hindsight, nobody is happy about responding angrily no matter how justified that anger felt in the moment.
Communicate in person or by phone, not by email. Everyone knows it’s much easier to abandon civility when communicating in writing rather than in person or by phone. Our relationships with our loved ones should be handled with care, and our communications should come from the heart. We can do that better communicating by voice, rather than by text or email. Email arguments and text wars are where relationships go to die.
Set healthy, respectful boundaries. In close Mormon families, boundaries may be a foreign concept. In a family culture where everybody is used to being in everybody’s business, harmful interference can occur even when motives are pure, and nothing accelerates the breakup of a marriage more than meddling family members who take sides. So if issues develop between you and your spouse during your faith transition, respectfully ask family members to afford you the same courtesy they would want and expect in the same situation: to leave marital issues to the married couple to resolve.
Accept that sometimes life just really sucks. It sounds funny, but it’s true. Everybody gets hardships thrown their way in life, and no transition occurs without growing pains. The sooner you can accept that fact, the less time and energy you’ll waste agonizing about it. During this transition process you’re going to experience things that aren’t right, aren’t fair, and that you don’t deserve. It won’t make you feel any better to hear this, but that’s life. If you were born in a developed country in a safe community with good schools and doctors, life has already been unfair to you in the most generous ways. So buckle down and accept the bumpy road ahead, because only fairy tale characters live “happily ever after”.
Don’t forget they’re called “growing pains” for a reason. Like most people, I always imagined heaven as a place without pain. So I was shocked when I heard a Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, say that that a world without suffering would not be heaven to him. He explained that our suffering is the root of our compassion. It is our suffering that enables us to empathize with those who suffer. Hanh said developing compassion has been one of the most beautiful and meaningful aspects of his life, and that he would rather live in a world with pain and compassion than in a world without them. One of the silver linings you may not yet see is that every ounce of pain you experience during your transition will become an ounce of compassion in your heart. Suffering will make you a gentler, kinder, warmer, less-judgmental, more loving, and more compassionate person. And in reward, you’ll get to be that better person for the rest of your life.
Remember that time heals. As grateful as you’ll be for your growing pains in hindsight, you’ll also be glad when they’re over. In my experience, and in the experience of many others I’ve observed, the passage of time alone brings growth and healing. As you gradually achieve growth, your growing pains fade away. Although you may experience intense difficulties for a year or two, know that the difficulties won’t last forever.
Consider taking a break from trauma-filled online fora. Having a listening ear can help you through your transition, but there are better ways than others to get that. During my transition, I was able to lean on a couple friends who had left the LDS church, and talking to them was very helpful. However, I also participated in online fora where thousands of people continuously vented about their traumatic experiences leaving the LDS church. I eventually decided to take a break from those fora, and in hindsight I wish I’d done it sooner because it accelerated the healing process. Immersing yourself in everyone else’s emotional trauma can rip the scabs off your emotional wounds and delay healing. So consider taking a break from it.
Move forward with gratitude and without resentment. There’s an old Buddhist parable about a monk who took a canoe across a river. When he got to the other side of the river, he left the canoe at the water’s edge and continued his journey over land. The lesson is that something useful in one stage of our life’s journey might be an unnecessary burden in a later stage. There are a couple ways to apply that parable to a faith transition. Those of us who chose not to “stay on the Old Ship Zion” left it at the water’s edge because it seemed an unnecessary burden for our next stage in life, but we can still be grateful for the role it played in our lives when it seemed useful. For those with fresh wounds, it‘s probably too soon to feel that gratitude. In that case, it might be useful to think of the canoe as the disillusionment, sadness, and/or anger that has accompanied your faith transition. It happened. It was a part of your journey. But you don’t need or want to carry all that negative emotion with you for the rest of your life. So if you can, make a conscious decision to leave it at the water’s edge. Leaving it behind mentally and emotionally will be a gradual process, but it helps to start by making a conscious decision to do it.
Find your passion and dive into it. When you’re experiencing disillusionment, loss, and pain, it’s difficult not to feel like life is crumbling around you. And when so much of what you’re dealing with seems outside your control, you can feel helpless. To combat that sense of your life situation, you have to summon every last ounce of willpower to invest yourself in something productive, creative, or rejuvenating. Start a new exercise routine, join a meditation group, do weekly volunteer service, take dance or yoga classes, build or paint something, start a book club, find a new hobby, or dust off an old one and fall in love with it again. The best way to brighten your life is to live it more. So if you feel like you’re in survival mode, hibernating in self-imposed social isolation, force yourself to get out there and live more. It’s your life, and nobody can stop you from making it better and brighter than ever.
What about your faith transition have you understood backwards? Share your insights by commenting below.
I feel like there are thousands of stories inside my head. Some of them are mine. Some of them are yours. Some are real, some feel real, and some are so different I don’t know what they are. I want to write them down, really, I do. It’s just that staring into a blank page seems to make me forget that I have anything to say at all. I truly believe that writing is a conversation we have with our own soul, but the hardest part is starting. If you want to write here are some of my suggestions for getting started.
1. Journaling — I have more than 10 journals that I write in regularly. One asks questions, another is a DIY memoir, another is a book that asks me to make lists. In one journal I simply record quotes that I have found and I try to draw them beautifully. I have journals for each of my children — they are not elaborate or long, but I try and write down interesting things that I hope they will value someday. (like their favorite TV show, their favorite outfit, etc). All of these provide an outlet for my thoughts and reflections.
2. Goodreads book reviews — I have always loved reading and even enjoyed the required reading from school. I found that as an adult I would read a book and then walk away at the conclusion without ever discussing the ideas or the things I loved or hated about it. That is when I decided to force myself to write a goodreads review for every book I read. What a difference this simple exercise has made. I am a more attentive reader; I underline and mark favorite passages to find again. I ask myself about the characters and the themes and then I put it all into a mini-paper and publish it on goodreads. For movie fans, you can write reviews on IMDB.com about movies. Give this a try and see if it doesn’t change how you read and how you watch and how deeply you think about the literary and cinematic elements. Also, you will remember what you read and watch so much better by taking a few minutes to write down your thoughts.
3. Creative Writing — I have a book of writing prompts that I love (there are many, many of these at any bookstore). I love to pull out a spiral notebook, choose a prompt and write for 10-15 minutes. Sometimes I post them on my personal blog, most times I don’t.
4. Join a writer’s group. Find one online, check the library, or start your own virtual or in real life group. Having a deadline seems to bring out the creativity in some.
View all of these writing activities as a valued part of your personal growth and expression. I love going back and reading my thoughts from when I was single or when I only had 2 children. So much has changed and yet so much of me is still the same. Viewing me through the lens of my writing helps me see what really matters to me and how even though some things change, some things will never change.
I know you’re out there. I know what you’re going through. I have felt the pain you feel. I have been alone and afraid, just like you. You have been rejected, you have been dismissed. You have been chastised, you have been broken. They have told you that you are led astray. They have told you that you are incomplete. They have told you that you are unworthy and unclean.
As the cracks in your soul have formed from despair, you have been left empty, lost, and abandoned. The night is dark and the sky is black. There are no lights burning for you. But know this: there is hope. Thousands of us have walked this lonely path before you, and we are all here for you now. All of us. Though you may have lost your tribe, a better tribe is waiting for you now.
My tribe will never turn you away. No matter how broken you feel, no matter how lost you may seem, you are welcome here. We want you, we need you with us. My tribe has no priests, sacred texts, or gods to fear. My tribe has no commandments to break, and no straight and narrow path that you must follow. All we want is you — just you the way you are.
We want to share your burdens, and rejoice in your triumphs. We want to serve you, cherish you, and show you a better world without dogmas, prejudice, or superstition. We want to be your mentors, your friends, and your companions in the journey of life. We are here to hold your hand and help you heal. We are here to show you that you have worth, you have value, you are enough. We are your people. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are waiting for you.