In part 2, Kristy explores the research on: how/if religion choice affects kids?, how much our parenting (like staying or leaving activity for example) truly has a long-term effect on how our kids turn out morally?, and simple measures parents can take to build a strong relationship with their children. Basically, I urge parents to focus on their relationship: being good to their kids and connecting with them rather than focusing on how to influence their later moral life choices, because the research seems to indicate parenting decisions (barring abuse and neglect, *important distinction* those have serious effects) seem to not translate to particular behavior outcomes for their kids when they grow up. Genetics and peer groups tend to instead.
But as parents, emotionally connecting with your children absolutely does matter, kids need to hear and see they are loved unconditionally, and one way you can do that by repeating to them from the time they’re little how they can come to you about anything, you wont get mad, that it’s important that they’re honest and there’s nothing they can do to change how you feel about them. That way, if your kids do get into trouble someday, they are less likely to hide it from you out of shame. And of course, you’ll want to be vigilant to ensure they are raised in a safe emotional environment, just in terms of quality of life. I end with some examples of what you can say in response to the question, “how are you going to raise moral kids without the church?,” acknowledging the limitations of actually changing anyone’s mind about a deeply held belief (i.e. that you need orthodoxy to raise moral children), especially a belief they based their own major life decisions on.
links mentioned in this episode:
drinking and religious beliefs study
smoking/drugs and religiosity study (aka “Not Even Once” pressure)
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If my beliefs become unorthodox, or if I begin to change my behavior at all to not fit the ideal I am taught at church, what will happen to my kids? Can I still raise my kids to have a strong moral foundation if I don’t raise them in Mormon orthodoxy? If I decide to step away, will I screw up my kids?
These are questions I hear over and over again by those beginning to undergo a faith transition, moving either out of orthodoxy or out of the church. This is understandable, given how often within the church we hear of examples of parents who have “gone astray” and whose children wind up with substance abuse problems, dropping out of school, or exhibiting other negative behaviors.
Along with my dear friend Emily Ellsworth, who left the church around a year ago and still lives with her husband and daughter in Utah County, I begin to unpack and problematize these assumptions. This is the first part of a two-part series.
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The next Mormon Transitions “Healing and Growth” workshop is as follows:
- 8/25-8/26 – Las Vegas, Nevada. To register for Las Vegas click here.
Looking forward to making Los Angeles, Boise, Atlanta, and others locations (Northeast, Midwest, Southeast) happen soon as well. Email mormontransitions@gmail.com if you want to host a workshop in your city.
About the Workshop:
- Theme: Healing and Growth in a Mormon Transition
- Description: An experiential workshop integrating scientifically validated principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Secular Buddhism. Subject matter will have direct applicability to:
- Improving relationships with loved ones (spouse, partner, parents, siblings, close friends).
- Raising healthy children.
- Communicating more effectively with religiously orthodox family and friends.
- Revitalizing a sense of “spirituality” in your life (secular or otherwise).
- Improving personal mental health, with an emphasis on anxiety and depression.
- Schedule:
- Thursday Night – 6pm to 10pm: Introductions. Mixer/social.
- Friday – 9am to 6pm: – All day, experiential workshop. Lunch provided.
- Cost: $125/person. Includes lunch on the main workshop day.
Attendance will be capped, so register now if you want to guarantee a spot!
“I would love the opportunity to attend as I am in desperate search for healing what feels like a broken and lost self.”
“I feel this retreat would help me find a context for my situation that I haven’t yet been able to find.”
“It would be a godsend for me to be able to talk to people who are experiencing the same things I am.”
For those of you who are in the financial position to help another struggling Mormon (or Mormon couple) through a Mormon faith transition – there are several individuals and couples who are seeking financial support to attend our Park City July 15th-16th Mormon Transitions retreat, but who are not in the financial position to attend. If any of you would be in a position to financially fund a scholarship or two, please consider a donation here.
$300 funds one scholarship. $600 allows a couple to attend together. All donations are tax deductible and go towards keeping the Open Stories Foundation alive (which includes Mormon Stories Podcast, Mormon Matters Podcast, Mormon Transitions Podcast, A Thoughtful Faith Podcast, etc.).
More quotes from applicants below.
P.S. If anyone here still desires to attend the July 15-17 Park City Mormon Transitions retreat, please email mormontransitions@gmail.com and tell us a bit about your story and why you would like to attend. We will do all we can to help.
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“I so badly want to find some peace and understanding so that I might also be able to help my friends and family that find themselves in a similar situation.”
“I feel a huge sense of loss and betrayal, and I feel the empty space that is left when you lose such a huge part of your life.”
“I feel my identity has been profoundly shifted, and I have lost many of the people that built my personal community.”
“I believe this retreat will provide me with an opportunity to talk openly with other people who are experiencing the same kind of transition and loss that I am experiencing.”
“Losing a sense of connection has been one of the most difficult side effects of this transition, and I believe this retreat will help ease the feeling of isolation that I have had.”
“I am hoping to leave the retreat with new connections, a calm mind, and a hopeful heart.”
“Virtually all of our friends are LDS, so it would be nice for us to interact with people who have been through similar transition struggles as we have.”
“Both of our families are deeply LDS, and we’re very worried about how we’ll eventually break the news to them. We want to learn how to stand up for ourselves while maintaining our close relationships.
We want to learn how to strengthen our own minds and our own relationship without the church as an influence. This is foreign territory for both of us, and we want to make sure that neither our relationship nor our mental health suffers from this transition.
We want to learn how to raise our future kids in a moral yet non-religious home.”
“I would love to learn and grow in a safe environment, I don’t have friends I can talk to about any of this, and I have so many questions.”
“I would never have made it this far without Mormon Stories! Never!”